Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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