I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
