Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize