Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
