I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
