so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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