My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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