As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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