I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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