I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
