I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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