Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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