I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
