Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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