If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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