i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
