did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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