the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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