Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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