how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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