I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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