took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
