It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
