I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
