Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
