I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
