I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize