So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
