Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
