How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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