hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
