I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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