God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
