She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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