smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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