I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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