I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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