Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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