I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
