some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
