So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
