she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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