Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
