Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize