it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
