At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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