Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
