Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
