I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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