he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
sex in a hospital.. check
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
