Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
