my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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