I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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