i just wanna soil my oats bro
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
