dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
