She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
