i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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