Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize